Steven Wright
sitemanagerI broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
Steven Wright
Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime,'' so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
What's another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night.
Steven Wright
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Steven Wright
Black holes are where God divided by zero