Jack Handey
sitemanagerWhat is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
Jack Handey
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again,…
Jack Handey
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?,'…
Jack Handey
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked…
Jack Handey
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
Jack Handey
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to…
Jack Handey
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Jack Handey
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight,…
Jack Handey
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's…
Jack Handey
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
Jack Handey
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS…
Jack Handey
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
Jack Handey
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and…
Jack Handey
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But…
Jack Handey
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handey
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a…
Jack Handey
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
Jack Handey
Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.
Jack Handey
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's…
Jack Handey
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Jack Handey
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Jack Handey
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it…
Jack Handey
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
Jack Handey
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
Jack Handey
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
Jack Handey
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Jack Handey
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Jack Handey
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
Jack Handey
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Jack Handey
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when…
Jack Handey
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.